Sunday, March 22, 2009

Time for more Tears

Yesterday I took a meal to someone and the caretaker had shingles. I was exposed before I knew. and the worst part of it all was I FORGOT this was a risk. I woke up at 3 am feeling that
forboding but couldn't figure out why, then it hit me like a ton of bricks - I unknowingly put Alyssa at risk. Sure it was unintentional but could still be serious (Thank our dear LORD her counts are higher ) so I have to call the clinic first thing this am to see what we need to do.
I just sobbed last night. I know it is my responsibility to protect her and I put her in harms way and it feels just HORRID. I realize how very vulnerable she is and how incredibly easy it is to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. When I was crying it woke Aaron up and she was awake (says she is soooo excited about her friends coming in that she couldn't sleep) and she came in.
She is so easy going - like it was no big deal = TOO ME it is a big deal. She will probably have to go in for another shot today or tomorrow to cover her. I still feel horrible over this. But she said to me - MOM, you just can't help but be nice - it's OK. I guess I'm doing as well or being as brave as I'd like everyone to believe. I just feel so helpless to keep her safe - I want us to live as normal a life as we can and when she's feeling so good and looking so healthy I see how easy it is to make mistakes that could be serious - no amount of handwashing, sanitizing, cleaning, can make you 100% safe. I talked to my mom once about her going thru Chemo and about folks "making you an invalid" I don't want to do that to my daughter - when she's feeling good and her counts are good I do want her to try to live as normal as possible!!!!! At the same time I see the desire to keep her safe from all harm, to not let her suffer any more than she has to in order to get her cured and back to normal. IT is a hard balance to strike and it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I think I am feeling sad on top of it because she's loosing her hair and I know what that means to her and there's nothing I can do to stop it(short of supergluing her hair to her head which she said is unacceptable) and that she is already showing signs of being apprehensive about going back into treatment this coming Friday (can't we just ignore that friday is coming and live for the moment!!!!) and I can't tell her "naw, Honey, we can just skip it!" SKIPPING it is NOT optional but it is so hard to see your daughter going thru something that makes her that sick and that much in pain - to sign on the dotted line and OKAY this for her when you want to keep her from being sick and being in so much pain. I am not sure what is worse: the trepidation of not knowing what will happen or having the knowlege and expectation of the past treatment. *sigh*. Thanks for letting me pour my heart out, I'm still brushing away tears as I write this - my heart is being ripped out of my chest but I try to be strong at home for her and the rest of my family. I am just feeling so bad right now I have to get it out somewhere.
Prayer Requests = that God would protect her from shingles and that we can get right in for the shot if need be. Also for a young man M who is going thru Leukemia - technically he is cancer free according to his APS Liason who is a friend of mine but he's gone thru some pretty major treatments including full body radiation and a bone marrow transplant. Pray for his family and him. He is still suffering vomiting and nausea from the treatments despite them ending months ago and also for those who work with him. I know my friend is awesome and that he's gettng what he needs in school etc despite having to work thru this!!!
Praise Reports - the Joyce's come to town today and our babies are due soon - I moved the 3 due does to the front kidding pen and it looks like the storm will be here right on time!!!! Since my goats always seem to kid when there is inclement weather - it's perfect.

1 comment:

Leslee said...

I know how much you love your family, but no matter what there is nothing you can do to keep 100% of everything bad out of the house and away from them. Alyssa is doing great and will continue to do just as well, and this will all be a thing of the past in a matter of months. I love you guys and I am praying for you! Have fun with the Joyces!